Dear @#$&! Sweetgum Trees,
Stop it!!! Your little offspring are driving me nuts!
I step on them, trip over them, and kick them up. They roll around my patio year round and spit out of the lawnmower at alarming speed and distance. I rake, and rake, and rake them. There does not seem to be a season exempt from their persistent presence. And when I look up to confirm that – surely – all of them have fallen by now? Hundreds more.
I am flying the white flag. Have mercy! Or, if you insist in taking maniacal pleasure in our futile efforts to contain the fruits of your…fruiting, know this: the reckoning is coming! I’ve got a chainsaw and a Youtube video on how to neuter you – I am not afraid to use either of them!
[insert slightly unstable cackle]