On Testicles and @#%* Smartphones

Dear Kids,

Saturday morning you two greeted me with snuggles that turned quickly into an assault on my poor bladder. Why must your boney appendages consistently locate my bladder at its most vulnerable moments?

“Agh! Get off!” I pleaded. “My bladder!”

“What’s a bladder?” you both asked.

“A bladder is like a small bag inside your body that holds your pee. And it really, really doesn’t like to be sat on.”

“Is this my bladder?” four year-old Buddy asked, hand down his pants.

“Um…I’m not really sure what you are pointing at right now.”

“The ball things. They’re like…balls.”

“Uh, no. That is not your bladder. Those are your testicles.”

“Hey, Mom?” <Pauses for effect> “I’m touching my testicles!” <Giggles profusely>

Are balls ever not funny to males?

What followed was a conversation about not touching your balls in public, where I realized immediately that this would be a conversation we’ll have periodically for the next 13 years. No scratching your balls in public!

I went to type this up on my phone for a blog post; I have an LG G2. It is the worst phone I have ever had the displeasure of owning.

It has never worked well. My calls echoed, part of the screen has almost always been dead, and it acts like it’s possessed. It rapidly moves the icons around like a game of ‘Whack-a-Mole’, freezes frequently, and accepts typing when it feels like it. When I tried to write this post it began deleting every third or fifth word I typed.

It was maddening. And it was the last straw.

I accidentally, maliciously dropped my phone. And broke the screen into a million pieces. It was a waste. It was WORTH IT.

I have been limping along on a loaner Windows phone with no apps. It’s a horrible little phone and I still like it more than my LG. I type something and it doesn’t move, change, or disappear. Who knew that would be so amazing??

A refurbished Samsung Galaxy S5 is on its way to me at this moment. It probably won’t be the best phone either; it’s already outdated. I don’t care. All I need is functional. I’ll work on ‘latest and greatest’ with the next phone, whenever that is.

destroyed smart phone

Not my actual phone…but I wish.


Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “On Testicles and @#%* Smartphones

  1. I’m a female – but I still think balls are funny at times. I would have cracked up over that conversation/situation haha

  2. LOL@ Sharing it on my FB wall…Of course giving you due credits..

  3. My son is just now becoming self-aware. It’s remarkable how attached they grow to those things (emotionally speaking).

  4. Bladders and balls, what is it about kids, cats and dogs? I swear, after raising two kids and countless pets, not one of them has hit anything else when they jumped up on me. Heck, I remember one memorable morning in 1993 when I got nailed by the turtle (he might have had help from my son though).

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