Kitten

Posts about my daughter Kit, also known as Kitten.

To Whine or Not to Wine; There Is No Question. 

Dear Kids,

My sister and her family came for a visit last weekend. It was awesome! You two love being with your cousins.

Right after they arrived, we were all in the car together. Someone starts whining about something…

Me: Oh! The whining! Yuck!

All the parents together in Extreme Whine: I don’t wanna! It’s hot! I’m hungry! Are we there yet?

Kids: [giggling]

Brother-in-law: Who in this car likes whining?

Kids (much too enthusiastically): ME!!

Kitten (proudly): I whine ALL the time to get what I want!

Me: And how does that work out for you?

Kitten (pouting): It doesn’t.

Me: Then why do you keep doing it??

Kitten (giggling): I don’t know!

God help me! Children literally make no sense!

The Whiners. Photo credit: Uncle Terry

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

In the Midnight Hour

Dear Kids,

Most of our middle-of-the-night transactions with you guys are pretty banal; you feel sick, you can’t find very special thing x, you had a bad dream. Your father and I stumble
through the appropriate parental responses in bleary fashion.

However, sometimes you deliver up a gem in the middle of the night that really should go down in the annals of history. That night, for example, when Buddy appeared like an apparition
in our darkened bedroom doorway and uttered these enlightening words: “I wear socks on my feet.”

“Um…That’s great, buddy. How about you go back to bed?” And without another word he turned around and disappeared from whence he came.

Wtf?

And again, a few weeks later as your father and I put ourselves to bed unusually late on a weekend night, Kitten stumbled into the room, making little hiccupping sounds.

“Kitten, are you ok?” Your father, alarmed, wrapped her in his arms and sat with her on the side of the bed. Her shoulders bounced up and down as she…bawled? “Sweetie, are you
crying or laughing?”

And then she threw her head back and shook with laughter. She could not control herself! She had the giggles and they would not let go. She didn’t say anything accept ‘I don’t
know’ when asked why she was laughing. She just laughed for about 3 solid minutes. Then I took her by the hand and brought her back to bed, where she curled up and slept.

It is, perhaps, pertinent to mention that sleep walking and sleep talking run liberally in your father’s family. Your father, many years ago, sat bolt upright in bed in the middle
of the night, startling me awake, and said, “Rainbow Lynn!”

“What??” I asked.

“Rainbow Lynn.” He repeated.

“Rainbow? Like the colorful arch in the sky?”

“Yes.” He said.

“Lynn? Like the name?”

“Yes.” And then he laid back down and started snoring. Wtf, indeed.

I was awake for a solid hour trying to puzzle that one together. In the morning he recalled none of it. Maddening.

I am positive he still does such things, but I am blissfully unaware, having invested in a healthy supply of earplugs. But it’s harder to ignore the human that laughs their way
into your bedroom at night, so I imagine I will get to enjoy the midnight stylings of my interesting children for the foreseeable future.

Should be fun!

Maniacal laugh!

Categories: Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

To the Obnoxious Kid Who Told My Daughter the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real

Dear Obnoxious Kid Who Told My Daughter the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real,

Shut. Up.

You were so excited to crush her little toothy dreams. So eager and delighted. Who hurt you?

My Kid after school: Mommy! Look! I lost my tooth!

Me: Oh my gosh! That’s amazing! Way to go!

My Kid: Look, the nurse gave me a little tooth fairy box!

Obnoxious Kid not involved in this conversation: You know there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy, right?

My Kid: Yes, there is!

Obnoxious Kid: No, there’s not. It’s just your parents.

Techer nearby: Nu-uh. Don’t you be mad at her because the tooth fairy doesn’t come to your house anymore. Don’t worry, sweetie, there’s a tooth fairy.

My Kid: I know there’s a tooth fairy. There’s lots of little tooth fairies that collect the fallen out teeth for her.

Me: Yup. But the tooth fairies don’t come if you don’t believe, so I guess that’s why they don’t go to his (Obnoxious Kid’s) house anymore. (Burn!)

Obnoxious Kid: Uh, that’s not true.

My Kid: I believe!

Imagination: 1     
Heartless attempt at stealing my kids’ youth: 0

I hope the Easter Bunny takes a dump in your shoes, Obnoxious Kid.

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Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Why Due Dates Are Bull****

Dear Kitten,

Seven years ago today was your due date. The date I stared down for nine months and then flew by. The date that was my knee-jerk reply the first year of your life when folks asked me when you were born.

I guess a due date doesn’t hold much importance once your child is born. But, for nine months it was the biggest day of my life; after December 4th everything would change. A big ‘D-Day’ circled in red on the calendar. After that, I would be a Mom.

But then…nothing happened.

Not on the 4th. Not on the 5th. Not on the 6th. By the 7th I was beginning to suspect that pregnancy was going to be my permanent condition. I was done. D.O.N.E. Everything hurt, all the time. I was never comfortable. My heartburn could have killed a horse. Those are just the complaints that are polite to mention.

There’s something kind of cruel about a due date. It’s unrealistic. The ‘due date window’ is actually quite large; anywhere from your 37th to your 42nd week of pregnancy. Picking a date in that 5 week window is like playing roulette; the odds are horrible. But we do it anyway, because we need something to hang on to. A light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is just painted on the wall.

So, really I shouldn’t have been so surprised that you were late. Except…they kept telling me you’d be early. I walked around for a month 3-4” dilated. You were head down and ‘engaged’ for longer than that. The nurses were sure I’d deliver before Thanksgiving. When that didn’t happen, my midwife made me promise I wouldn’t go into labor on Thanksgiving Day. I was surely about to pop.

And then it was December. No one thought I’d still be pregnant in December. And then I left my due date behind and I thought, “What the hell, people?? Why am I still pregnant?”

But now I get it. You like to be the boss. And perhaps, knowing that you would have control over very little in the next few years, you took this opportunity to exercise your will while you could. And arrived in your own sweet time. 4 days “late” and right on your time.

P.S. – Since then you have been on-time a precious few times in your seven years. Some habits die hard…

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Almost seven.

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bathroom Habits of the Novice Bathroom-Goer: A Study

Dear Kids,

Let me illustrate for you the difference between taking little girls and little boys to the public restroom.

Young Kitten (our female specimen, observed several years ago) in the public restroom:

I help the novice bathroom-goer on to the toilet (after placing “protective” toilet paper on the seat depending on the venue). She completes her business and wipes herself with some degree of efficiency using anywhere from an appropriate amount of toilet paper to the whole roll. While she pulls up her clothing on the other end of the stall near the door, I flush the toilet with my foot. Or, if she insists on flushing herself, she does so and immediately retreats from the toilet, covering her ears. The subject skips from the stall to the sink to wash up.

Young Buddy (our male specimen, observed recently) in the public restroom:

The novice bathroom-goer needs no assistance on to the toilet because his business on this trip is of the standing variety. He enters the stall and before I can object, grasps the toilet seat firmly with both hands. He lifts it to its upright position then, placing both hands firmly on the rim of the bowl, pushes back to a standing position. He completes his business…almost all in the bowl. It is important not to speak to the subject during this time, as he may turn to look at you, which could be disastrous for the hygiene of the stall. When his business is complete, he leans over the toilet bowl, trousers still resolutely planted on the floor and face now directly over the bowl, grasps the flushing handle and gives it a earnest tug downward. It might take much handling of the lever to accomplish the flush. The subject is happy to comply. When flush is accomplished, the subject remains in the prone position, hand on lever, face over bowl, until the flush is complete. This may cause him to flinch slightly as the spray from the toilet water hits his face and naked nether region. Do not worry – he will not adjust his position until the water below has stilled (regardless of the hysterics of his disgusted mother behind him). Upon flush completion, he will again grasp the toilet seat to return it to its original position; chivalry is not dead, nor are the various biological tenants of the stall, none of which he is now unfamiliar with. The pants are pulled up. The task in complete. The subject is invited to wash his hands (if not his whole body), where upon he answers, “but I didn’t use my hands!”

Vive la difference.

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Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

Who’s Wrapped Around Whose Finger?

Dear Kitten,

Yesterday was Pumpkin Day at school. Everyone was invited to wear orange and black and then the classes will be having a pumpkin carving competition. You were very excited. Plus there was early dismissal…that helps.

You got up and were dressed before I got out of bed. You were wearing: a pink shirt, teal pants, and pink Hello Kitty socks. Not exactly what I was expecting for Pumpkin Day.

“Sweetheart, why aren’t you wearing orange and black?”

“I am! See? One of these flowers on my shirt is orange and Hello Kitty’s eyes are black.” How could I have missed that? You’re practically a walking jack-o-lantern.

“Honey, I think you should wear a bit more than that. Don’t you have an orange shirt?”

“No.”

“Let’s check.”

I proceed to produce two orange shirts from her dresser and a new pair of dark, sparkly pants. It is a stellar outfit, if I do say so myself.

“What do you think?”

“It’s perfect!”

“So you’ll change?”

“No. I like this outfit.”

I throw up my hands. “Fine. Wear whatever you want. Sorry I tried to get you into the spirit. My bad. I’m going to go put on my orange shirt. Excuse me.”

She follows me and compliments me on the “orangeness” of my shirt. She shows me again that she, too, is “wearing orange”. I invite her again to wear a whole, entire orange shirt like me. Again, she declines.

Her father walks in. “Oh. You’re not wearing orange today, Sweetie?”

She literally jumps off my bed. “I’ll go change!” she happily shouts and appears seconds later in the outfit I selected.

“You look nice.” her daddy says.

“Thanks, Dad. It’s Pumpkin Day!”

I stand there with my mouth open. “Excuse me? What just happened?”

Freaking daddy’s girl, man…

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See all that orange?

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Talk…You Know the One

Dear Kitten,

Last night you read to me from your new library book: Kitten to Cat. It was all about the life cycle of cats and “sooooo cuuuute!” Apparently.

We came to the part where the kitten becomes a cat and the book declared, “and now the cat can have kittens of its own.”

Uh oh. Your little logical brain started cranking away. Hey, we have a cat and he’s over a year old, so…

“Can Mikey have kittens? I wants lots of kittens!” You said enthusiastically.

“Well, Mikey is a boy kitten, honey.”

“We can get a girl cat and they can get married and have kittens! So. Many. Kittens!!” I cannot describe to you how – even if it were possible for our neutered cat to spawn progeny – this is so very much not happening. Become a crazy cat lady on your own time.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but Mikey can’t have kittens. He’s neutered.”

“That’s ok. The girl cat can have the kittens.” Oh goodness. I’m going to have to explain this, aren’t I?

“That’s true; girl cats do have the kittens, but they need the boy cat to help make the kittens. Um…Ok, you know how you look a little bit like me and a little bit like Daddy? That’s because you’re made from a little bit of my DNA and a little bit of Daddy’s DNA. Girls have eggs right here (poke, poke at our abdomens) and boys have sperm. You need both to make a baby or a kitten. Mikey was neutered, so he doesn’t have his sperm anymore to help make a kitten.” Please, please, please do not ask any follow-up questions…

“Oh. … So, can we get a new kitten anyway?”

“No.”

First sex talk in the books. Boom.

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Not scarred yet!

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Even Overlords Need a Night Off

Dear Kids,

Heard from another room just after dinner a few nights ago:

Kitten knocks on the bathroom door. “Buddy? It’s your sister. But, I promise I won’t destroy you.”

I guess it’s an off night.

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sleep Tight…But Maybe with Body Armor

Dear Kitten,

On our recent trip to Philadelphia, you and your brother decided that instead of having a ‘kid’s bed’ and a ‘grown-up’s bed’ in the hotel room, we should have a ‘girl’s bed’ and a ‘boy’s bed’. We had been in the room for all of 5 minutes and you two were already celebrating your victorious campaign before your father and I could even muster a, “Wait. What?”

And so it was. Buddy bunked up with Daddy and they slept side-by-side on their backs in peaceful cohabitation (Interjection from your father: Except for the dozen or so times during the night that he had to scoop the meandering Buddy back on to his side of the bed.). You – by all accounts – slept quite well. It was your bedmate – ME – who had a few issues with this arrangement.

When I climbed in next to you, you were waaaay over on the other side of the queen bed; hugging the edge like you usually do when you sleep. I had to travel to even give you a goodnight kiss. As a person who cannot sleep when someone is touching them, I thought, “This will be great!”

It was not to last.

After about 45 minutes I awoke with what can only be described as ‘Spidey-sense’. I opened my eyes and you were already right next to me and closing in fast! I turned quickly to save my face and felt you aggressively ‘thunk’ in to my back. You planted your face in between my shoulder blades and let the rest of your body catch up, snugging your knees (your bony, bony knees) right into my butt cheeks. You stayed there for about an hour.

Then you rolled. I could feel the wave of claustrophobia lift as you performed two complete revolutions towards the other side of the bed. “Relief!” I thought, just as a shadow fell across my face. Your arm landed like a mustache under my nose. And stayed there. I tried blowing on it. I tried kissing it. I tried moving it. To no avail. This was the current part of your body designated to be touching my body for that portion of the hour and it would not be deterred from its duty.

It was like this all night. The football rush to my back followed by a facial assault.

You woke up the next morning fresh as a daisy with little birds kissing your cheeks and sunshine falling softly across your face.

I woke up with a sore neck, stiff back, and more bags under my eyes than we brought to the hotel. So, to answer your question, sweetheart, No. I do not want to do that again.

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Karma!

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The BFF and the Epic Playdate

Dear Kitten,

You met your BFF, ‘M’, early on in your preschool days. You two were adorable and a great team. You keep her silly and she challenges and encourages you. If you aren’t able to always have M in your life (although I hope you do!), i hope you at least have someone like her. She’s amazing and just what you need.

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When you went your separate ways for kindergarten, it was hard on all of us. So, when you returned to your old daycare for summer camp and she didn’t, you noticed and amped up your BFF campaign.

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Resistance was futile! There’s only so long you can stonewall a pouty 6 year-old carrying a photo of her BFF around the house. The playdate happened. And it was EPIC.

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Painting, water balloon fight, hose showers, bikes, bounce house, puzzling…the works!

Your friendship didn’t skip a beat. It was beautiful 🙂

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Can’t wait to watch you two blossom into beautiful young women. Together 🙂

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 10 Comments

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