Late Night Guttural Noises for 200, Alec

Dear Kids,

It’s late. Your father and I are enjoying those last kid-free moments of our day together before we put ourselves to bed.

Suddenly we hear this horrendous, guttural noise coming from the front yard. Certainly an animal, but none I’ve ever heard before.

“What the heck was that??” Your father asks.

“I don’t know, but where’s the cat?” I feel fairly certain that the cat has either made the noise or been eaten by it. Or a sickening combination of the two.

I cautiously open the front door while your father restrains the over-eager dog. The cat saunters up, casually but with a puffy tail. He’s all, “what’s up, humans? Where’s the food?”

Then he eats and goes slipping out the cat door while we’re not looking. “Sparkles. Out.” Like he didn’t almost die tonight. Maybe.

I can’t decide if that cat is bad-ass or just an asshole. Either way I’m wearing ear plugs tonight. Nuts to his nonsense.

Mom. Out.

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I could destroy a wildebeest right now. Rawr.

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I’m So Healthy It’s Sick

Dear Kids,

Tonight we got fast food for dinner, but I didn’t have any because my body is a temple!

Instead,  I had corn (cheese-flavored popcorn), half a baby cucumber (in dressing), and strawberries (Twizzlers). I’m such a health nut.

Jealous? Not everybody has that kind of will power! Now…are you going to finish those nuggets?

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Back off my nuggets!!

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Do I Know You? On Funerals and Cake Fails

Dear Kids,

I’ve been MIA on the blog-front lately. Apologies. I just got back from my aunt’s funeral in Portland. It was beautiful.

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My Mom and I cleaned out her room and set aside some things for loved ones. I selected a stuffed elephant for Kitten and a policeman nesting doll for Buddy. For myself, well I was most taken with the photos.

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My grandparents with their first born. Such sweet, naive kids...

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My grandfather (the only one not looking at the camera) and his 5 brothers

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My beautiful grandmother

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The kids! Neighbors and siblings at play. I'm related to a handful of them.

Anyhow, enough of the sentimental. Let’s get to the embarrassing stuff, shall we?

So, it was Buddy’s birthday recently. There was much rejoicing and much cake.

There were cupcakes at school, icecream cake at Chuck E. Cheese, and cake for your actual party. Yikes! (We like to stretch out our birthdays around here)

For your party I decided I would make your cake myself. I have friends with these skills. Friends who actually make money with their cake skills. Surely I can apply icing to a cake, right? Mothers have been doing so for years!

I should have hired one of my friends.

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It's a Starwars cake. Light side & dark side, get it?

Apparently I cannot apply icing to cake. Cake hates me.

Here’s the cake I made under extreme supervision for Kitten’s 5th bday:

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Beautiful, right? And back to Buddy’s 5th bday cake:

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It's a Starwars cake. Light side & dark side, get it?

It looks like I took an egg beater to it.  Maliciously. [Sigh]

Thankfully, I was able to consult with one of those aforementioned cake-savy friends and redeem myself:

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You see that? That, my friends, is 3 cans of blue icing. It was, I’m told, delicious. I don’t care, as long as he liked it:

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And he did 🙂

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Papa performs

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Bounce house BEFORE cake. No vomiting, please.

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Birthday spoils: stormtrooper masks and pool noodle light sabers

Homemade Starwars birthday party. Nailed it! 😉

Categories: Crafts, DIY, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Stop In the Name of Love

Dear Buddy,

It was your birthday this week. We’ve spaced out your gifts so you’ve been getting a couple a day between your actual birthday and your official party this weekend. It’s been fun. Here are the highlights so far:

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Darth Vader is now an Avenger.

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So many Starwars books!

You also got a cool pair of Darth Vader gloves (gauntlets! Thank you, costume design class) and the new Starwars movie.

Now, my sister had been asking me what she could get you and I ran through a few things. I mentioned your love for signs. My sister suggested a cool ‘dinosaur crossing’ sign.

I said, “that’s great and I’m sure most kids would really like it, but Buddy’s more of a stop sign guy.”

She said, “seriously? He wants a stop sign?”

Yes. Yes he does. And that’s what you got:

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Stopper (left) and Stoppy (right)

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Read to Stopper, Mimi!

I think your Aunt won your birthday 😉

P.s. After that last picture you ran out of the house (bad idea!) and attempted to introduce Stopper to his ‘cousin’ stop sign at the end of our block. “Mom, they need to talk!” You insisted as I dragged your precocious butt away from the street. And that is why we have a hotel lock high up on the front door. Flight risk.

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

This Is Your Big Day, Kid

Dear Kitten,

This is your big day! The 5th anniversary of the day you became a Big Sister.

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How does it feel to have 5 years of big-sistering under your belt? Well, you’re doing a great job! I think he’s turning out nicely.

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It’s also my giving birth anniversary, but let’s not get distracted. This day is about YOU, Kitten. Right?

What’s that? Buddy’s birthday? Oh ya! I guess he was there too, wasn’t he? Well, if you don’t mind sharing your big day, then I don’t mind.

Happy birthday, Buddy!! 😉

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I love you!

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Happy Sibling Day, Kids

Dear Kids,

Sometimes I feel like the most important thing we ever gave you (besides life) was each other…

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Xo,
Mom

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Shenanigan Mornings

Dear Kids,

You woke up before your parents this morning. Okay, you wake up before your parents every morning. Literally. Every. Single. Morning.

This means that you two have a lot of quality time together in the mornings. And it’s awesome for you.

We keep our bedroom door open so the dog can come and go, so we can usually hear what you guys are up to. Surprise! You two get along so well when you think we aren’t looking!

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These were your adventures this morning…

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Constructive destruction?

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My favorite part of weekend mornings. Bar none.

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Watching the snow. WTF, Spring??

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Making mud soup. In your Pj's and rain boots.

After all that, Buddy comes stomping into the house with his muddy boots, stops in the middle of the kitchen and says, “How was the whole world made?” Um…

Followed quickly by, “I farted.” You’re so deep.

Meanwhile, your morning shenanigans together have afforded me a nice lazy morning of my own 🙂

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Delicious coffee, Chinese leftovers, and adult coloring book. Bliss.

Have a great weekend, folks!

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Watch Your Damn Language

Dear Kids,

I had all these aspirations when you were born that I would stop swearing. I tried like hell – heck – to curb myself.

When I was pregnant with my first, I thought a few slip-ups wasn’t too bad. What’s going to hurt the fetus more; that I swore or that I stood to close to a can of tuna?

When you were babies, I thought that I should really buckle down and watch my mouth, but you were sleeping most of the time anyway, what was the point?

When you were toddlers…well…what are the chances you’d repeat that one word? I mean, you guys said it every time you tried to say ‘fork’ anyway.

And now you are little kids. Yikes!

Here’s the problem; I like swearing. Mind you, I’ve really cut back. Even I blush thinking about how much of my daily word quota consisted of crude language in my past. It’s unnecessary to speak so crassly all the time. But… sometimes only a good ol’ swear word will do.

Sooo…you two have said bad words on occasion. Here is our fix: We’ve told you you’re not allowed to swear until you’re 16.

And you bought it.

I don’t know why it works, but it totally works. You two don’t swear not because you don’t know those words, but because you aren’t old enough.

It’s worked so well that we’ve added other words to the list. In our house the following are swear words: Stupid, Hate, Shut Up.

When I or other adults or people on TV use these words you kids always call it, “Aw! You said a bad word!” I answer, “Yup. But I’m old enough.” And that’s it.

This has led Buddy to say on occasion, “When I grow up to be a man I’m going to live in my own house and swear.”

That’s a damn good dream, Buddy!

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That's right. I said it and you can't.

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Today in Pictures

Dear Kids,

It was a pretty good day 🙂

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Clearly I have discovered a collage app. So much fun! Also, I love the camera on my new phone ♡

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Kids Want to Beat Up a Bad Guy and It’s Frozen’s Fault

Dear Kids,

After picking you two up from school the other day, one of you started a conversation – quite randomly – with, “If a burglar ever came to our house, I’d punch him in the face.”

Me: Wait. What?

Kids: Ya, I’d do that too. That’s a good idea.

Me: No! Bad idea! Very bad idea!

Kids: But they are trying to steal our stuff! We have to punch them!

Me: Where is this coming from?? No! If a burglar comes to our house – which is very unlikely, by-the-way – But, let’s assume he’s there. If one came to our house, he’d probably be scared off by the dog. Burglars don’t want to deal with dogs and our dog has a very big bark.

Kids: But what if he’s not scared of dogs? What if he comes in anyway? Can we punch him then?

Me: No! If a burglar comes in anyway then I want you guys to run out of the house. You just get out and go to the neighbor’s and call the police.

Kids: And they can punch him?

Me: Maybe.

Kids: Oh. [Total disappointment] What if we can’t get out of the house? Can we punch him then?

Me: No! If you can’t safely get out of the house then I want you to hide.

Kids: Ya! We can hide on the top bunk and then jump out at him and punch him!

Me: What is this need to hit someone? No! Hide under the bed or in a closet. If you can find a phone, grab it and call 911 while you hide.

Kids: What if he finds us? Can we punch him then?

Me: If he find you, just stay there. Chances are he’s looking for stuff, not you. He’ll probably run away when he sees you. If he tries to grab you – Ugh – sure, you can try to punch him. Maybe kick him and try to run away. Or throw something at him and run away. The key is getting away. Ok? Not punching the guy.

Kids: Ok. I’ll punch him into the ocean!

Ooooh! I get it now. It’s because of Frozen. It’s because Anna got to punch the bad guy into the water. Now my kids want to cold cock a bad guy. Awesome. A whole movie about love and their take away is ‘you can punch bad guys’.

Burglars beware! My kids have it out for you and I’ve just told them they can kick you in the nuts. (Also, we have nothing worth stealing, so there’s that.)

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Ninja Buddy is ready for you.

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

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