Posts Tagged With: bathroom

The Doors

Dear Buddy,

Shut. The. Door!!

You have an inability lately to close anything that resembles a door.

Bathroom doors have always been a problem. In your school the bathrooms have no stalls; just three little potties in a big room (which is literally a nightmare of mine, by-the-way). I can see how you would find closing the bathroom door unnecessary after that. But, sometimes bathroom door closing is appreciated. Say – for example – at an office Christmas party at a co-worker’s house when you stood, pants-less in the bathroom doorway to inform me you’d gotten that piece of lint off your junk. “My doodle’s all clean now, Mom! Mommy? It’s clean! See?” Good times.

You frequently have to be reminded to close your car door. One fateful (and chilly) evening you forgot to close your car door even after being reminded and Daddy’s car was wide open for over 12 hours. Thankfully, the car was still there the next day, his car had turned off its power before the battery died, and there was no evidence that any wildlife had moved in…yet.

The real kicker has been the refrigerator doors. Our nice, new model in the kitchen has an alarm that sounds when the door is left open. Thank you, engineers and designers! Good call! Our older model freezer in the basement, however does not have such fail safes. It was much longer before we realized you’d left that one open. We lost food and almost lost the whole freezer – it was the smell from the over-worked motor that brought our attention to it. Epic fail, Buddy.

There is also the fun of our house looking like a scene from Poltergeist because you don’t close any drawers or cabinets. But, outside of that obvious up-side (do I need a sarcasm sign here? You hear it, right?), in general, I think I’m ready to “close the door” on this stage.

See what I did there?

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Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

How to Rock a Wedding in 4 Easy Steps: Advice From a 5 yr-old Pro

Dear All 5 year-old Wedding Attendees,

How to rock a wedding in 4 easy steps (Advice from Buddy – A Pro):

1. Stick your face in the centerpieces. If you’re lucky they will have candy in them. Jordan almonds, personalized M&Ms, little heart confections…chances are, there is candy in there; purple, sticky rockcandy sticks in the case of our sample wedding. When you reappear with sticky purple all over your cheeks, deny everything! “What?? Uh…I think it’s boogers.”

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Always check the centerpieces! See? Candy!

2. Touch the cake. I mean, how could you not?? It’s just sitting there on that table in the corner at face-height, looking delicious. I dare you not to touch it. When you are caught with your icing-covered finger(s) in your mouth, deny everything! “I don’t remember anything! It wasn’t me! It was the cake’s fault!”

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It's just you and me...

3. Make an impression. I mean a burned-in-to-their-retinas kind of impression. My go-to is inviting (forcing?) wedding guests to watch me pee – I’m really, really good at it. Mom likes to close the bathroom door on me, but if she’s talking on the other side of the door, I gotta know what’s going on right? So, I like to open the door again while I do my thing. Did I maybe pee a little outside of the bowl to perform that door-opening maneuver? Maybe. Did my mom have to clean half the bathroom after I was done? Probably. Did the mother-of-the-bride get a ticket to the Buddy Show? Definitely. And really, isn’t that what counts?

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4. Dance, baby, dance! Remember that rock candy? Ya, get some of that. Hop yourself up on all the un-guarded sugar you can find. This is your time to shine! Is that dance floor wet? One word: Slip-n-slide. Outdoor wedding? I’m sure you can find some mud somewhere. Really challenge yourself, here. Remember, your parents are trying to socialize and appear normal, so capitalize on their distraction.

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I'm going for formal sanitation worker...kind of shabby chic.

 

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This is MY dance floor!

That should make just about any wedding experience pretty epic. Remember, Don’t let the shenanigans come to you – you go find the shenanigans!

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More rock candy!!

Enjoy!
Buddy

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bathroom Habits of the Novice Bathroom-Goer: A Study

Dear Kids,

Let me illustrate for you the difference between taking little girls and little boys to the public restroom.

Young Kitten (our female specimen, observed several years ago) in the public restroom:

I help the novice bathroom-goer on to the toilet (after placing “protective” toilet paper on the seat depending on the venue). She completes her business and wipes herself with some degree of efficiency using anywhere from an appropriate amount of toilet paper to the whole roll. While she pulls up her clothing on the other end of the stall near the door, I flush the toilet with my foot. Or, if she insists on flushing herself, she does so and immediately retreats from the toilet, covering her ears. The subject skips from the stall to the sink to wash up.

Young Buddy (our male specimen, observed recently) in the public restroom:

The novice bathroom-goer needs no assistance on to the toilet because his business on this trip is of the standing variety. He enters the stall and before I can object, grasps the toilet seat firmly with both hands. He lifts it to its upright position then, placing both hands firmly on the rim of the bowl, pushes back to a standing position. He completes his business…almost all in the bowl. It is important not to speak to the subject during this time, as he may turn to look at you, which could be disastrous for the hygiene of the stall. When his business is complete, he leans over the toilet bowl, trousers still resolutely planted on the floor and face now directly over the bowl, grasps the flushing handle and gives it a earnest tug downward. It might take much handling of the lever to accomplish the flush. The subject is happy to comply. When flush is accomplished, the subject remains in the prone position, hand on lever, face over bowl, until the flush is complete. This may cause him to flinch slightly as the spray from the toilet water hits his face and naked nether region. Do not worry – he will not adjust his position until the water below has stilled (regardless of the hysterics of his disgusted mother behind him). Upon flush completion, he will again grasp the toilet seat to return it to its original position; chivalry is not dead, nor are the various biological tenants of the stall, none of which he is now unfamiliar with. The pants are pulled up. The task in complete. The subject is invited to wash his hands (if not his whole body), where upon he answers, “but I didn’t use my hands!”

Vive la difference.

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Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Cleaning Lady

Dear Kitten,

You wanted to earn a little extra money to buy a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle doll. I told you I’d give you a dollar to clean your bathroom. I showed you what to do and then…five bathrooms later, you were a rich girl.

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Your favorite part? Scrubbing the toilet bowls. “Mommy, it looks like the Cat in the Hat left a ring in here! We need to clean that up!” Go for it!

Heard at one point, “Mommy, can we get another toilet brush? I need one in every bathroom.” Done! Sweetheart, you can have all the toilet bowl brushes you need if you keep this up.

Who’s got two thumbs and doesn’t have to scrub toilets anymore? This Mom!

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , | 10 Comments

Busted in the Bathroom

Dear Kitten,

The other day I was taking you and Buddy to the bathroom before we left your school. The children’s bathroom terrified me the first time I saw it: no stalls. Thankfully, no one over the age of 5 uses these toilets. They are very small and brightly colored…and right there in the middle of the bathroom…exposed. They are perfect for potty training large groups of children at the same time. And – blessed be to God – there is a teacher stall in the back with walls and a door.

On this particular trip to the potty Buddy was taking advantage of the bathroom acoustics to sing a lovely rendition of ‘Shout Loud and Long’ – you’ve probably heard your own children do a cover of this on long road trips. It’s a pre-school favorite.

Kitten immediately shushed him before I got the chance. “Buddy, no! You’ll get your picture taken and be in real big trouble!”

Eh?

“Kitten, what are you talking about?” I asked.

“There’s a camera on the wall! If you are too loud it takes a picture of you and sends it to the principal’s office and you get in to trouble.”

I looked up on the wall where she indicated and saw exactly what she was referring to: a shiny, black box mounted on the wall…an air freshener.

“Kitten, that’s a…” Hm. Let’s think this through, Self. “Yes, that does look like a camera. You’d better behave yourself, Buddy! Well, I’ll be outside. The principal will let me know if you guys aren’t behaving yourself!”

And I have not had to hang out in that bathroom since. Thank you, Urban Legend!

Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Dear Kids – The Wise Bladder

Dear kids,

This will happen to you in the future: you’re ready to get in the car, but you kind of have to pee. Do you hold it until you get to your destination or do you delay your departure and go now?

Every time I find myself with this choice I remember a friend of mine, who very well may recognize herself in this post, but who I will never personally ‘out’.

She found herself pregnant, stuck in traffic, and having to pee. Immediately. With her husband at the wheel, her small son in the back seat, and no end to the traffic in sight, she did what she had to do. She grabbed the diaper bag, pulled out a diaper, dropped trou, and peed. Blessed relief.

So, when I find myself at such a crossroads, I ask myself if the few minutes I would save are really worth it. And if I don’t have the diaper bag with me, it’s a given; the wise bladder uses the toilet at hand.

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Dear Kids – Interior Barn Door

Dear Kids,

We thought a barn door would be a neat look on our brand new bathroom and also be a creative solution to a space issue we had. It doesn’t look too bad, right? We thought in the future we’d dress it up with some nice-looking hardware and maybe a rustic door.

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Here is why a barn door is a bad idea for a bathroom…

1) Peek-a-boo! There is a requisite gap between the door and the wall because of the hardware.  There is no way to prevent tiny inquiring eyes from getting an eye-full of you on the throne.

Watcha doin', Mom?

Watcha doin’, Mom?

2) No sound barrier. That nice, thick, solid wood door won’t do you any good when the big gaps all around it are letting all of your personal noises flow freely. If you need to do something noisy in private, take it to another bathroom.

3) You cannot secure the door. It is so easy to be walked in on! My little kiddos have absolutely no trouble pushing the door aside and walking right in. It’s actually easier to open from the outside than from the inside.

4) Bounce back. I’m used to going in to a bathroom, throwing the door, and hearing that nice, reassuring click that means I now have my privacy. With the barn door, if you ‘throw’ it, it will just hit the rubber stopper and bounce back open. You have to gently and carefully pull the door closed. No reassurance at all that it will stay there.

5) No handle mechanism. Sure, barn doors have handles (most of them), but they don’t have mechanisms. Even an unlocked doorknob gives you an ounce of security. No one can just breeze in to the room, they have to turn the handle first. Plus, the rattling and turning knob give you at least a warning that someone is attempting to enter.

In short, bathroom barn doors are a bad idea. Don’t do it! Ours will hopefully not be around forever. Until then, we are closing our bedroom door in order to use the bathroom, which – frankly – sucks.

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

Dear Kids – Confession

Dear Kids,

Sometimes I don’t clean up after you guys. Sometimes I just make sure there’s a path through the destruction to the bathroom.

Photo Credit: spellboundinc

Photo Credit: spellboundinc

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Dear Kids – Shower Time

Dear Sweet Children,

You know that I love the beautiful sound of your chime-like voices and I savor every opportunity to soak up every word you have to say…almost every opportunity. When I am standing exposed in the bathroom is not that time. When I’ve got soap in my eyes and I’m cursing the thinness of the bathroom door is not that time.

Why does it seem that the only time you two EVER work together is to try to break down the bathroom door when I am in there? And for what? More of Mommy than you ever bargained for and years of therapy? A frightening look in to the future for Kitten? Not worth it, my friends, I promise you.

So, please, the next time you have something to say that’s too important to wait until I’m wearing my big girl pants, go find your father. He likes swarms of things.

Photo Credit: missmaggierae.blogspot.com

Photo Credit: missmaggierae.blogspot.com

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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