Posts Tagged With: bugs

A Bug Up My Butt

Dear Kids,

…A literal bug. Between my butt cheeks.

Not a metaphorical annoyance, but a very real, disgusting annoyance. That expression has a face now…and it’s my butt.

I was sitting outside with my Mom on one of our unusually beautiful December days lately, when I suddenly felt like a leaf or a stray hair had made its way in to my underpants. Upon inspection in the privacy of the restroom, it was…a bug. A ½” gnat-like thing.

I almost threw up.

I can never un-feel that feeling!! The fluttering…the horrible fluttering. The knowledge that an insect has violated the sanctity of my under garments.

The scariest moment in my life was when I was trapped (read: frozen in fear) in the basement as a child with about 2 dozen spider crickets, intent on using me as a springboard.

I don’t like bugs to touch me. But now they have. They so very much have.

Send bleach.

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Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

His Name Is Toby

Dear Buddy,

You made a new friend. His name is Toby.

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Toby is your new OUTDOOR pet. I cannot stress that enough: Out. Door.

You and your sister made him a little home in the sandbox. You worked on it for over an hour.

It was awesome. Not the caterpillar home – I have no idea what that looks like. It could be the Taj Mahal of bug residences for all I know. I’m talking about the solid hour of uninterrupted alone time. Bliss.

Toby, I owe you one…if you’re still alive.

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

RIP Beatle

Dear Cat,

You learned about death today.

One moment you were playing with your new best friend, Beatle…Ah, Beatle. So full of life, vigor, and the vague allure of possibly being food. The next moment one of the large mammals is crunching Beatle flat while mumbling something about pests.

Pests?! Poor friendly, tasty Beatle! Downed in the prime – possibly – of his life!

You cried, Cat. For, like three minutes.

Meow? Nudge.

Meow? Nudge, nudge.

For three minutes. It was so pathetic, we may never kill a bug again.

Just kidding, bugs stuck and I hate them way more than you like them. Suck it up, flea bag.

Categories: Cat, Kids | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments

Dear Kids – The Ants Came Marching

Dear Kids,

We bought a new house. It came inhabited. Now, we are trying to find a way to evict our uninvited house guests. There are thousands of them and they live in the windowsill.

The other night I laid out some borax bait traps and watched them for a good ten minutes. That stuff really works! The ants came up all curious and cautious. Then they dove right in for a taste and then ran to go tell their friends. Every time they saw a fellow ant they bumped heads like, “look what I got!”

These two ants bumped heads and got stuck. Really stuck. Eventually I nudged them and they stumbled away from each other; drunk on borax. Within two minutes they were dead. Bwa-ha-ha!

My fascination with their comings and goings aside, I am disgusted by them and I want them gone. Now!

Photo Credit: Microsoft Word Clipart

Photo Credit: Microsoft Word Clipart

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

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