Posts Tagged With: Mom

Bathroom Habits of the Novice Bathroom-Goer: A Study

Dear Kids,

Let me illustrate for you the difference between taking little girls and little boys to the public restroom.

Young Kitten (our female specimen, observed several years ago) in the public restroom:

I help the novice bathroom-goer on to the toilet (after placing “protective” toilet paper on the seat depending on the venue). She completes her business and wipes herself with some degree of efficiency using anywhere from an appropriate amount of toilet paper to the whole roll. While she pulls up her clothing on the other end of the stall near the door, I flush the toilet with my foot. Or, if she insists on flushing herself, she does so and immediately retreats from the toilet, covering her ears. The subject skips from the stall to the sink to wash up.

Young Buddy (our male specimen, observed recently) in the public restroom:

The novice bathroom-goer needs no assistance on to the toilet because his business on this trip is of the standing variety. He enters the stall and before I can object, grasps the toilet seat firmly with both hands. He lifts it to its upright position then, placing both hands firmly on the rim of the bowl, pushes back to a standing position. He completes his business…almost all in the bowl. It is important not to speak to the subject during this time, as he may turn to look at you, which could be disastrous for the hygiene of the stall. When his business is complete, he leans over the toilet bowl, trousers still resolutely planted on the floor and face now directly over the bowl, grasps the flushing handle and gives it a earnest tug downward. It might take much handling of the lever to accomplish the flush. The subject is happy to comply. When flush is accomplished, the subject remains in the prone position, hand on lever, face over bowl, until the flush is complete. This may cause him to flinch slightly as the spray from the toilet water hits his face and naked nether region. Do not worry – he will not adjust his position until the water below has stilled (regardless of the hysterics of his disgusted mother behind him). Upon flush completion, he will again grasp the toilet seat to return it to its original position; chivalry is not dead, nor are the various biological tenants of the stall, none of which he is now unfamiliar with. The pants are pulled up. The task in complete. The subject is invited to wash his hands (if not his whole body), where upon he answers, “but I didn’t use my hands!”

Vive la difference.

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Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

“Been Licked” and Other Priceless Mementos From You

Dear Buddy,

Because of you, we own a deck of cards labeled, “Been licked.”

I will probably keep it forever because I always chuckle when I see it. It was a very you thing to do.

And, of course, should we ever need to clone you…

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Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

The Talk…You Know the One

Dear Kitten,

Last night you read to me from your new library book: Kitten to Cat. It was all about the life cycle of cats and “sooooo cuuuute!” Apparently.

We came to the part where the kitten becomes a cat and the book declared, “and now the cat can have kittens of its own.”

Uh oh. Your little logical brain started cranking away. Hey, we have a cat and he’s over a year old, so…

“Can Mikey have kittens? I wants lots of kittens!” You said enthusiastically.

“Well, Mikey is a boy kitten, honey.”

“We can get a girl cat and they can get married and have kittens! So. Many. Kittens!!” I cannot describe to you how – even if it were possible for our neutered cat to spawn progeny – this is so very much not happening. Become a crazy cat lady on your own time.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but Mikey can’t have kittens. He’s neutered.”

“That’s ok. The girl cat can have the kittens.” Oh goodness. I’m going to have to explain this, aren’t I?

“That’s true; girl cats do have the kittens, but they need the boy cat to help make the kittens. Um…Ok, you know how you look a little bit like me and a little bit like Daddy? That’s because you’re made from a little bit of my DNA and a little bit of Daddy’s DNA. Girls have eggs right here (poke, poke at our abdomens) and boys have sperm. You need both to make a baby or a kitten. Mikey was neutered, so he doesn’t have his sperm anymore to help make a kitten.” Please, please, please do not ask any follow-up questions…

“Oh. … So, can we get a new kitten anyway?”

“No.”

First sex talk in the books. Boom.

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Not scarred yet!

Categories: Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Down the Crafting Rabbit Hole; Or, What You Can Make Out of One Twin Top Sheet

Dear Kids,

Yesterday I went down the crafting rabbit hole. Today was no different.

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Behold! What you can make out of ONE twin-sized flat sheet…

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1) Lining for a Darth Vader cave

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2) Skirt

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3) Three scarves

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4) Pillow

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5) Cape

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6) Ewok poncho for teddy bear

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7) Purse

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Thanks to my mom for rocking the Star Wars skirt and teaching me the ways of the sewing machine 🙂

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Categories: Crafts, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Obsessive Crown Making and Other Renaissance Festival-Related Neurosis

Dear Kids,

At the Renaissance Festival recently we saw these super-cute flower crowns (no pictures allowed…poop). They were $26 a piece, and after I started breathing again (I am the cheapest of cheapskates), I told my darling daughter that we’d make one ourselves and it could be any colors she wanted.

And so, we did…

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And then I made another…

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And then…well, clearly I have a problem…

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Even when I ran out of flowers I didn’t stop…

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And when I was done with the crowns, I looked down and realized…we had wands!

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I went down the crafting rabbit hole, folks. Send snacks.

Categories: Crafts, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Gaurdian

Dear Kids,

Sometimes he’ll lay there until we tuck you in. Sometimes he’ll lay there until you both settle down. Sometimes he doesn’t move until I think he’s sure your asleep.

And then he waits for us to go down and repeats. And I love him for it. This self-imposed night watch.

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Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Follow-up: I’ve Got My Eyes On You

Dear Buddy,

Recently you let us know that you felt your bed was watching you via the many knots in your knotty pine bed. Bummer.

So, I decided to take care of that for you…

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…you seem to like it.  🙂

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 7 Comments

City Folk

Dear Kids,

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Buddy leans out of the helicopter and tells Kitten, “You’re a pizza!”

Kitten responds, “I’m a cowgirl. And I drive.”

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Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’ve Got My Eyes on You: Sleeping with(in) the Enemy  

Dear Buddy,

Last night you asked your father and I if you could paint your bunk bed. The bed is a nice, knotty pine and would, frankly, look horrible painted. Your father roundly denied your request, citing resale value concerns.

The thing is, you’ve got your reasons. You think the knots in the wood are eyes. You think your bed is watching you.

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Sleep tight; don't let the bed bite.

You go to sleep every night without much fuss in a bed that you feel is staring at you. How are you not rocking back and forth in a corner somewhere? That is seriously disturbing!

When I was a kid I thought I saw a bug on my bed and I subsequently slept in the hallway for a week. A week. For an imaginary bug.

Your bed is literally watching your every move. And it surrounds you. ::shudder::

You are made of tougher stuff than I am, kid. Sorry about the monster bed. Sleep tight!

…or your bed will eat you.

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Little boys...nom, nom, nom

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Tatas, Breasticles, Boobies…Now you want to read it, don’t you?

Dear Friends, Family and Strangers with Breasts,

One year ago today I decided to Ditch the Poof in my shower routine. After a friend and a family member were diagnosed with Breast Cancer in the same month my husband asked me, “You do breast exams, right?”

My answer was cloudy at best. “Well, yes, of course. Every time I shower I check. I mean…I intend to check…I guess I just kind of wash that general area…with the poof.” It turned out I wasn’t doing self-breast-checks at all. My shower poof was coming between me and my breast.

So, I ditched the poof that same day and got a really nice bar of soap. I have been happily lathering up my ladies and checking them thoroughly for a year now and I’ll never go back.

If you aren’t sure if you should ditch your poof, I offer you this: two months ago while soaping up I found a lump.

In my right breast, just under the areola I had a lump about two inches long by ¾ of an inch high. Those were the measurements from my doctor who didn’t like the feel of it and sent me for an ultrasound. It was tender to the touch and once I knew it was there I could feel it without even touching it.

For a week I went through my regular routine with a silent drum beat pounding in my head, “I have a lump, I have a lump, I have a lump…”

“Sweetie, can I help you open that juice box?” I have a lump.

“I have those paper you need to sign.” I have a lump.

“We can’t do dinner on Tuesday, how about Saturday?” I have a lump.

At night the drum beat became percussive and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’d feel the lump and will it to go away, to be smaller, to be my imagination. I’d fall asleep with my hand under my shirt, afraid it might grow when I wasn’t paying attention.

Thankfully, it didn’t grow. In fact, it did get smaller. Eventually, it broke up all together. My lump turned out to be a collection of cysts which went away on their own in about two weeks.

Hallelujah!

I was lucky. I was damn lucky. Too many women that I know have found out that they weren’t cysts. Which is why it is so important to check your breasts EVERY SHOWER. Because the lump was not there one day and it was there the next. And the earlier you can catch it, the sooner you can get it the hell out of you.

Join me and #DitchThePoof

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Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , , , | 9 Comments

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