Posts Tagged With: potty training

Bathroom Habits of the Novice Bathroom-Goer: A Study

Dear Kids,

Let me illustrate for you the difference between taking little girls and little boys to the public restroom.

Young Kitten (our female specimen, observed several years ago) in the public restroom:

I help the novice bathroom-goer on to the toilet (after placing “protective” toilet paper on the seat depending on the venue). She completes her business and wipes herself with some degree of efficiency using anywhere from an appropriate amount of toilet paper to the whole roll. While she pulls up her clothing on the other end of the stall near the door, I flush the toilet with my foot. Or, if she insists on flushing herself, she does so and immediately retreats from the toilet, covering her ears. The subject skips from the stall to the sink to wash up.

Young Buddy (our male specimen, observed recently) in the public restroom:

The novice bathroom-goer needs no assistance on to the toilet because his business on this trip is of the standing variety. He enters the stall and before I can object, grasps the toilet seat firmly with both hands. He lifts it to its upright position then, placing both hands firmly on the rim of the bowl, pushes back to a standing position. He completes his business…almost all in the bowl. It is important not to speak to the subject during this time, as he may turn to look at you, which could be disastrous for the hygiene of the stall. When his business is complete, he leans over the toilet bowl, trousers still resolutely planted on the floor and face now directly over the bowl, grasps the flushing handle and gives it a earnest tug downward. It might take much handling of the lever to accomplish the flush. The subject is happy to comply. When flush is accomplished, the subject remains in the prone position, hand on lever, face over bowl, until the flush is complete. This may cause him to flinch slightly as the spray from the toilet water hits his face and naked nether region. Do not worry – he will not adjust his position until the water below has stilled (regardless of the hysterics of his disgusted mother behind him). Upon flush completion, he will again grasp the toilet seat to return it to its original position; chivalry is not dead, nor are the various biological tenants of the stall, none of which he is now unfamiliar with. The pants are pulled up. The task in complete. The subject is invited to wash his hands (if not his whole body), where upon he answers, “but I didn’t use my hands!”

Vive la difference.

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Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Mother of Invention

Dear Buddy,

Having never been or raised a boy before, I was surprised by a few of the…mechanics of male toileting. Namely the devil that is that large gap in between the toilet bowl and the seat.

Buddy, you can now sit or stand as you choose, but it is sometimes necessary for a boy to sit. On these occasions, when you pee it shoots straight through the aforementioned gap and covers the unlucky bathroom floor with a veritable lake of urine.

I seriously thought the toilet bowl had sprung a giant leak the first time I witnessed this. I just stood there screaming, “what’s happening?? How is this happening??” Until your father walked up, nodded and said, “yup, that’ll happen.”

What?? Ew!!

There is obviously a large flaw in toilet design that has gone unchecked since the invention of the toilet seat. Since necessity is the mother of invention, I give you…the pee guard toilet retrofit:

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It’s stupid simple (like all my DIY). It is a piece of plastic cut from a milk jug and super glued to the inside of the seat. It is low enough not to scratch sensitive bums and does not interfere with uppy-downy seat action. It’s brilliant and it totally works! Woo hoo for not having to sop up anymore pee!

UPDATE: Ya, that lasted less than 48 hours. Buddy pulled it off while standing to pee and the guard was just hanging there, apparently begging to be played with. My husband took a stab at the situation and simply pulled off the front two cushion thingys on the bottom of the seat, which effectively eliminated the gap. It totally works…for a whole week now. Touché, male counterpart…you win this round…

Categories: Buddy, DIY, Kids | Tags: , , , , | 5 Comments

Smells Like Toddler Spirit

Dear Buddy,

Oh! Did I forget to mention that you are completely potty-trained? Right after your 3rd birthday we went cold turkey on pull-ups and three days later you were done. Woo hoo!

We have commemorated this occasion by banishing the bathroom smells from your room. We emptied your diaper pail, washed your sheets and comforter, washed all your laundry, vacuumed and even installed a new bed. Your room is transformed and fit for the big boy you are now.

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Big boy bunk bed complete with bed sheet cave

And yet…it still smells unmistakably of boy. Some permanent combination of feet and men’s room.

How is that possible?? Where is that coming from? What haven’t I cleaned? Is this just ‘boys room smell’? Will I never be rid of it??

Realization: My God…it’s only going to get more pungent as you grow…isn’t it? :: shudder::

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , , | 7 Comments

Via Con Dios..

Dear Buddy,

Today is your last day in pull-ups/diapers. (gulp!)

On a related note, we are now accepting all forms of prayer!

Pull on your big boys, kiddo. Here we go…

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Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments

Peeing in Public

Dear Kitten,

Once upon a time a Mommy and Daddy took their sweet little girl to the playground. She played happily for a very long time. Then – oh no! – she had to pee! There were no bathrooms at the playground and the little girl could not hold it much longer. The Mommy and Daddy looked around and saw that they were the only ones at the playground. They took their sweet little girl behind a bush and sat her on a log. Ah, sweet relief! The little girl was happy again and ran back to the playground for more fun. The Mommy and Daddy were content that they had come up with a creative solution to avert an accident and that there had at least been privacy.

Flash forward one year.

The Mommy is me and you are my Sweet Little Girl. And now we have The Boy as well. He has just learned the excitement of Running Off. He thinks this is lots of fun and Mommy seems to enjoy it too – see how she runs and shouts? How fun!

We are having a pleasant time at the playground; just me and you two. In a rare moment of containment, you are both happily swaying on the swings.

Sweet Little Girl suddenly announces, “I have to pee. Momma, I have to pee right now!”

I immediately take both kiddos out of the swings in preparation to run home as soon as humanly possible; we have a five minute window or less. Other children immediately occupy the vacant swings; there is a crowd on the playground today.

I take Sweet Little Girl’s hand, “Can you make it home, sweetie?”

“No! I have to go right now!”

I sigh. Of course she does. “Ok, just hold on.” I turn to secure The Boy. Who is Running Off. “Stay here, sweetie!” I chase the stinker.

“Gotcha!” The Boy is secured. Sweet Little Girl is…where is she?

There she is! Across the playground. Sitting on a log. In the middle of the park. Peeing.

In slow motion I run across the playground, “Noooooooo!” It is too late. Sweet Little Girl is already in the middle of The Longest Pee Ever.

I stand there. The Boy clutched in hand. Her bottom exposed to half the playground; marking the eastern side of the playground as hers. I am mortified, but helpless. This is happening.

I look out across the playground. The children don’t care. Some of the younger ones seem to be taking mental notes (“Pee on the playground. Check.”). The parents are averting their eyes. Eyebrows raised, mouths open, but eyes averted. I am doing my best to look embarrassed. This is not hard to accomplish.

Sweet Little Girl finishes and pulls up her pants. “Look, Momma! I peed! Just like you showed me! I peed on the playground! Like you showed me how!”

“Uh huh. Yes. We’re all very proud. Let’s not do that ever, ever, ever again, ok?”

“But -”

“Ever, ever, ever, ok? Now, I think we should run to the car. Let’s run, ok?”

I don’t have to ask The Boy twice. He is already Running Off. Sweet Little Girl drags her feet and shuffles, forlorn, back to the car as dozens of eyes follow us; The Girl Who Peed On The Playground and The Mother Who Taught Her To.

Categories: Buddy, Kids, Kitten | Tags: , , , , | 13 Comments

Diving for Dusty

Dear Buddy,

The good news: You pooped on the potty Monday – Twice!!

The bad news: You let your toy plane, Dusty, go for a swim…in the potty…after you pooped in it.

You turned around and looked in to the potty and pointed excitedly, “Look, poop!” Followed by, “Look, Dusty!”

So, thanks for that. And congratulations.

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Buddy – Commando

Dear Buddy,

Yesterday morning Daddy casually suggested that maybe you should ditch the pull-ups. And ditch them you did!

Unfortunately, it turned out that we did not have any big boy underpants for you to wear instead. So, you went commando. All day.

This was actually working really well until you made ‘poop face’ – every parent knows what this is and can spot their kid’s poop face at 20 yards. You made yours at Papa’s house in the afternoon.

I immediately whisked you off to the bathroom and plopped you on the john. You peed but did not poop. I checked your pants. No poop. I checked the floor. No poop. I checked your pants again. No poop! Was I wrong? Was that not poop face?

I shrugged it off and helped you off the pot. You pulled your pants up like a big boy and suddenly little balls of poop began rolling out of your pant legs like rocks down the mountain. It was like Vegas gone wrong – your pants were paying out…in poop!

Honestly, I laughed. It was so bizarre! “Are you smuggling goats?? Where did all these poop pellets come from??”

After cleaning up the poop we decided that for logistical reasons, underpants were definitely needed. ASAP!

Categories: Buddy, Kids | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

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