Posts Tagged With: spa

[Insert creative title here, I’m done]

We’re opening a massage therapy clinic! You lay down on a bed of lumpy stuffed animals and hard covered books and get walked on my screaming midgets.

It’s quite lovely.




Book now! We take American Express and gummy worms.

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Have Tissue, Will Extract

Dear Kids,

Apropos of nothing…let’s talk about spa facials.

The last time I got a facial at a lovely spa establishment, I casually asked the 24 year-old, flawless-skinned technician why she was extracting (fancy for popping) my zits when I was told not to do that by multiple dermotologists.

Her reply: “Well, you really shouldn’t. I’m trained in this.”

Oh really? “What do you do that is so different from what I would do?”

“Well I have clean hands and I’m using this tissue.”

Swear to God, that was all the girl had. Clean hands and a tissue.

I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but I have soap and tissues at my house too. Am I really paying for your good hygiene and possession of a Kleenex?? Next time I’ll put my money in to a foot rub and an extra box of Puffs Plus, thank you very much.


She followed that up by telling me that I had nice skin for someone ‘my age’. Can you feel the bristling?

After establishing that I was only 10 years her senior and hardly in ‘for your age’ territory, I said, “Word to the wise; If you want to keep getting tips, I wouldn’t use that line again.” Cue 2 minutes of stuttering and back pedaling.

The remainder of our time together was awkwardly but gratefully silent.

Definitely a foot rub next time. I bet I have great feet for someone “my age.”

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Relax – Ouch! – ation…

Dear Kids,

After a very long day of yardwork and parenting, I was gifted with a whole, solid hour alone in the house by your amazing father. Before you all left the driveway I was already running the bathwater.

Here’s the problem: the master bathroom doesn’t have a bathtub. This means I was relegated to using the bathtub in your bathroom; your bright yellow, toothpaste-laden, potty training home base of a bathroom. Nothing screams ‘spa’ like a Disney character on every bottle and tube in the room.

Not to be deterred, I filled the tub with hot water. Then let half of it out and filled it again. And again. Only to discover that the hot water had been set to ‘tepid’ in an effort to not boil the children. This surprised me considering Kitten consistently reacts to the bathwater like we are trying to sear off her top layer of dermis. Light weight.

I, however, like temperatures suitable for preparing lobsters. I got the water as close as I could get and then loaded it with Epsom salts for a nice, rejuvenating soak.

I got in the tub and immediately realized that the children have falsely advertised the size of this tub. With two of them in here they still look like they could swim laps! Why are my knees in my chest??

I leaned my head and shoulders back and was immediately met with resistance in the form of a large bag full of bath toys suctioned cupped behind my head. Attempts to use it as some sort of bath pillow were unproductive and somewhat stabby.

Rather than remove the bag and risk never being able to get it back up there (suction cups either hold for 12 years or 12 seconds, in a system I believe is based on Karma and the caprice of suction cups), I craned my head to the right and pretended I was comfortable.

And, for about 15 blissful seconds, I was.

Followed immediately by an avalanche of plastic toys…on top of my head. Stupid suction cups.

I pressed on.

I laid in 6 inches of tepid water, as 10 of my closest plastic friends floated around me, in a bright yellow bathroom that would make the 70s blush. And you know what? It felt great 🙂

Categories: Kids | Tags: , , , , | 9 Comments

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